Play Short Story
Tests of the Mind Array's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #16 | 3.847 | 3.947 |
| Overall | #29 | 3.454 | 3.544 |
| Flow & Clarity | #30 | 3.283 | 3.368 |
| Adherence to Theme | #33 | 3.232 | 3.316 |
Ranked from 19 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
An enjoyable read. I liked the way you played with language and had different narrative voices for each of the characters. I agree with others in that some of the abbreviated sentences were a little awkward, maybe “Am” could have been replaced with “I’m” in some cases, or even just e.g. “Into the walls”.
This was quite enjoyable, very unique! Obviously this had to be condensed for the sake of the Jam’s limitations, but I certainly wish more could’ve been fleshed out with the various interactions, the pacing was definitely fast.
I like the first person perspective & unique voices you gave the characters! It really helps the reader engage, and the abbreviated grammar was still very understandable.
RATS! I really enjoyed the way you wrote your characters their unique voices really add to the characters.
Thanks! I love stream-of-conciousness perspectives and try to make it work in a few stories. I wanted the Rat to be a fast thinker, a prey animal constantly evaluating threats around him. Contrast that with the Tech Cultist being slow and ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME.
I'm happy you enjoyed it!
Interesting story, very creative! I think you made it really difficult on yourself by using the first person present in the way you did.
One example is, "Am in the walls." which doesn't add much. If you want to keep it in first-present then something like, "I squeeze through the crevices in the wall, tearing through their cables as I scrabble my way to the service corridors." might be more impactful.
It was a challenge. Stream-of-consciousness is very difficult to pull off but it's also my favorite perspective to read and write so yes, I made it hard on myself. I also limited the protagonist's speech to limit prepositions to make him sound more quick thinking, hence the sometimes stilted statements.
Thank you for reading and giving feedback. Glad you enjoyed it.