Play book
He’s in the walls. He’s in the God damn walls!-OPR Writing Jam's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #46 | 3.208 | 3.208 |
| Adherence to Theme | #48 | 2.708 | 2.708 |
| Overall | #50 | 2.667 | 2.667 |
| Flow & Clarity | #51 | 2.083 | 2.083 |
Ranked from 24 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
This one needs a couple of editing passes for verb tense and such. But the concept is really neat.
Probably the biggest lesson to be learned is the application of "show don't tell". There's minimal text just setting up the scene or describing actions without dialogue, and that would be a good first step to overall improvement. I don't mind dialogue-heavy writing, but this is somewhat akin to a visual novel or script.
This has the bones of a good story, but I think the scope requires more than 1K words. Love the concept.
Nice idea, the thought of a Havoc brother being tortured is captivating. One thing that stood out was the how the characters seem to go from placid, in a verbal sparring match, to explosive anger and back again; this lost some of the tension building I think you were going for.
thank you for the comment, the idea at the end was simmering anger.
As a Havoc Brothers player, I wanted to enjoy this more than I did. The dialog was difficult to follow without cues to who said what. I appreciate the effort!
I love the idea behind this one, but it was a tough read… the dialogue felt very unnatural, the ending was unsatisfying, and the writing errors (punctuation, spelling, tense switch) took me out of the story as well.
I think there is an awesome story here, as the thought of a human interrogator trying to get info from a Havoc Brother is titillating, but I think this needs to be edited around some more. Would love to see this given a bit more time!