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A jam submission

The Conquests of Bruntok ShipsmashaView project page

A tale of the most feared Ork Captain to ever plague the Sirius System. Written for OPR Writing jam #12
Submitted by Danii_Boy — 1 hour, 50 minutes before the deadline
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The Conquests of Bruntok Shipsmasha's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Flow & Clarity#373.0503.050
Adherence to Theme#393.0003.000
Overall#403.1003.100
Concepts & Originality#453.2503.250

Ranked from 20 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted

I enjoyed it. It reminds me of a historical blurb about influential people. The died as he lived part gave me a chuckle.

Submitted

This type of storytelling lends itself well to this kind of writing challenge. 

I do enjoy the "zoomed out" telling of this story- its much easier to fit more "happenings" in a story like this than one that tries to break into back and forth dialog. That being said, it still suffers a little bit (although less than I would have expected) from telling not showing- especially at the end. Maybe you could have woven in more threads of 'unspoken drama?' Still, as short as it was, it was a VERY easy read and that goes a long way. I advise not using paragraph indents in this format but well done =)

Submitted

Orcs lend themselves to the theme really well so that was a great choice! I do find the story to be a bit matter of fact at first but it climaxes in a very satisfying way. 

Submitted (1 edit)

I love the idea behind this one; however, I personally would’ve enjoyed it much more if the 1000 word limit was used to expand on any one of theses conquests, with allusion and dialogue to explain his battle-readiness and past escapades. 

Submitted

Love the framing of this as just the legacy/stories people tell about this Orc. A fun melding of 40k style ork lingo with the OPR lore as well. If there's one critique I have, it's that I wish there was a bit more description of the stakes of Bruntok's final battle. I want to know more!

Submitted

I could see this almost as an excerpt in the orc’s world book. I think you wrote the orcs well even as OPR has completely changed what they are. you meshed them well.