This was good.
Don’t see how it connects to the theme, but a good story with a surprising ending.
Play book
Artwork - OPR Writing Jam #12's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #2 | 4.286 | 4.286 |
| Overall | #13 | 3.794 | 3.794 |
| Adherence to Theme | #20 | 3.619 | 3.619 |
| Concepts & Originality | #39 | 3.476 | 3.476 |
Ranked from 21 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
Thanks for the feedback, glad you liked it!
The intent is that it's a story about an Alchemist gathering resources to create. On its face, the "creative resource" is the vial, and previous items Vex has been hired to acquire for him. In a figurative way, Vex in the sense that she's a resource being used to acquire the items. The twist is that the the final, key resource is Vex herself in a very literal way. Evidently I didn't communicate that very well, or missed the mark.
A really well written piece. You managed to get a lot of character-building and description into the word count without feeling forced or like a huge dump of exposition. It had a real mood and was easy and interesting to read.
My only very minor piece of feedback is that I also struggled a little with the link to the theme. I understood that Vex was the “creative resource”, but it felt a little … I don’t know, obvious, or maybe less nuanced(!?) than the rest of the story? I’m not really sure what I would have liked to see given the word limit though :)
Submitted
The Thieves' ArtNot seeing a great connection to the theme, per se. A few grammatical errors, but nothing that took me out of the story too much. It was a fun read though, and I enjoyed it
Submitted
Superior GraceThanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it and really appreciate the feedback! It was fun to write.
I think this area of the official Dark Elf Raider lore (alchemists copying protectorate gene-mods to create powerful but irreversibly damaged dark elf warriors) is pretty under-explored and itself doesn't stray too far from 40k, so I was pretty conscious of the potential comparison when writing. Evidently, I played it a bit too "safe" to truly differentiate it. I think the story strays most into 40k in the disturbing physical appearance/demeanor of the alchemist himself, but I worried the story might not work/hit the same without the added unsettling detail/creepy factor.
Lovely story about one of the most twisted elements of the dark elves. Great building and descriptions of the characters.
Submitted
Strokes of SufferingA bad guy who just shoots people. I like it. Grim. Dark. A small vial of some hard to get stuff for a creative evil genius. Very cool.
Submitted
The Rickety Rocket
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