Play book
Artwork - OPR Writing Jam #12's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #2 | 4.286 | 4.286 |
| Overall | #13 | 3.794 | 3.794 |
| Adherence to Theme | #20 | 3.619 | 3.619 |
| Concepts & Originality | #39 | 3.476 | 3.476 |
Ranked from 21 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
This was good.
Don’t see how it connects to the theme, but a good story with a surprising ending.
Thanks for the feedback, glad you liked it!
The intent is that it's a story about an Alchemist gathering resources to create. On its face, the "creative resource" is the vial, and previous items Vex has been hired to acquire for him. In a figurative way, Vex in the sense that she's a resource being used to acquire the items. The twist is that the the final, key resource is Vex herself in a very literal way. Evidently I didn't communicate that very well, or missed the mark.
A really well written piece. You managed to get a lot of character-building and description into the word count without feeling forced or like a huge dump of exposition. It had a real mood and was easy and interesting to read.
My only very minor piece of feedback is that I also struggled a little with the link to the theme. I understood that Vex was the “creative resource”, but it felt a little … I don’t know, obvious, or maybe less nuanced(!?) than the rest of the story? I’m not really sure what I would have liked to see given the word limit though :)
Not seeing a great connection to the theme, per se. A few grammatical errors, but nothing that took me out of the story too much. It was a fun read though, and I enjoyed it
Thanks for the feedback; I'm glad you enjoyed it! My intent was for the "creative resource" to be primarily Vex herself, being used (both figuratively and literally), for the Alchemist's work. Though, I may have not communicated that clearly enough through the story.
Ah okay, that makes sense. It seemed pretty premeditated to me, as though the Alchemist had long planned on luring Vex in and making her comfortable enough to be the next "art project." But yeah, I see what you mean.
It was spooky, it was ominous, you did a really good job of setting up for the punchline without giving it away. A real highlight of the jam for me. Maybe my only real dissatisfaction was that it was hard for me to see what made this a Grimdark Future story versus a Warhammer 40K story.
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it and really appreciate the feedback! It was fun to write.
I think this area of the official Dark Elf Raider lore (alchemists copying protectorate gene-mods to create powerful but irreversibly damaged dark elf warriors) is pretty under-explored and itself doesn't stray too far from 40k, so I was pretty conscious of the potential comparison when writing. Evidently, I played it a bit too "safe" to truly differentiate it. I think the story strays most into 40k in the disturbing physical appearance/demeanor of the alchemist himself, but I worried the story might not work/hit the same without the added unsettling detail/creepy factor.
Lovely story about one of the most twisted elements of the dark elves. Great building and descriptions of the characters.
Very good and short descriptions of the surroundings made it easy to understand and fill in the blanks. Very well done!
Thanks!
Pretty good story. One thing jarred me out of it though - all the liquid 'sloshed'. Repetition of the term in such a short piece sticks out.
Pretty good story. One thing jarred me out of it though - all the liquid 'sloshed'. Repetition of the term in such a short piece sticks out.
Thanks for the feedback! It's something I noticed upon rereading afterward and you're 100% correct.
Loved the description and the imagery. Very well written.
Thanks!
Chillingly brilliant! Fits well in a grimdark future!
Glad you liked it! I was worried it might be a little too dark.
Well done, a good read.
Thanks!
A bad guy who just shoots people. I like it. Grim. Dark. A small vial of some hard to get stuff for a creative evil genius. Very cool.
Glad you enjoyed it; it was fun to write.