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A jam submission

The LanternView project page

Submitted by Haningc — 1 day, 21 hours before the deadline
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Play book

The Lantern's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Flow & Clarity#133.7463.826
Overall#143.6603.739
Concepts & Originality#183.9164.000
Adherence to Theme#243.3203.391

Ranked from 23 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Host

Hello, thank you for participating in the Writing Jam! Please email fill out this form so that we can send you the participation models: https://forms.gle/obn5BW3iw2LyaPiPA 

Submitted(+1)

Great story respect for the creature trapped next to the mc which died 

Submitted(+1)

Nicely done! Othromar is an intriguiging character. At times you could benefit from sticking to the maxim of "show don't tell", e.g. at the end of the first paragraph. The action at the end is very entertaining and I like the duality of the protagonist's violence toward the dwarves and respect towards the creature.

(+1)

Good work, I liked your use of dwarves. Thanks!

Developer

I appreciate it!

Submitted(+1)

Great job -really interesting!

Developer

Thank you!

Submitted(+1)

One of the top entries, methinks.  

Developer

Thank you so much 

Submitted(+1)

Nice! Well done. I like it.

Developer

Thank you!

Submitted

Nice! Well done. I like it.

Submitted(+1)

Great story. I loved that you used the theme in a bad, like a "whoops, they were close enough". I haven't seen that done yet. A downside for me personally (I'm not up on all the OPR lore, but im learning a lot during this jam) is that you never mention what the main character is. For people who know the OPR lore already it might work fine, but it forced me to go read through the lore page quickly to know it was mummified undead (and i hope im right). Shadow Stalkers I know already, so that was fine for me. So yeah, if i knew the lore it would be fine? I know it might sound like a silly gripe, and it probably is. I'm not marking you down for it. It made me go read more lore after all, so maybe it's a good thing? Idk. Still a fantastic job overall. Sorry for my essay. 

Developer(+1)

Thanks for the response! No apologies needed, i agree with you lol. I got too amped to delve into a narrative description that I neglected the labels needed to accurately describe character origins and species which can be pretty necessary when a universe like this is so large and diverse. Definitely something for me to remember next time around. 

Submitted(+1)

Really great. I love the brutality of the collateral four-armed soul. I think the tension may have worked better if Othromar was a bit less confident in his ability. The arc is very well paced for a single page.

Developer

Thanks, and I appreciate the feedback. You’re right about the tension. I think if I did a full story dive I’d explore the evolution of the character’s ego and maybe a “fall from grace” style confidence shift and redemption arc. 

Submitted

Great work. Feel like I want to read the rest of the story. 

Developer

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words 

Submitted(+1)

Nice Job! i want to know what happens next

Developer

Thanks!

Submitted(+1)

Great entry. Very impressed at how short you were able to make this story while keeping it mysterious and gripping. 

Developer

Thank you so much!

Submitted

good work!

Developer(+1)

Thank you!