Play book
She's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #21 | 3.829 | 3.829 |
| Adherence to Theme | #28 | 3.029 | 3.029 |
| Overall | #30 | 3.305 | 3.305 |
| Flow & Clarity | #35 | 3.057 | 3.057 |
Ranked from 35 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Charector and story both are good
Intense! Good pacing. It felt like I was onboard the ship watching it all happen.
Interesting. The perspective is a bit confusing. You seem to start from the boy's perspective, then switch to She. Might be more clear with something to distinguish the two, a line break or something like that.
A cool visualisation of OPR lore. You construct vivid and intriguiging scenes but they seem disconnected. Still, there is an air of mystery about everything in this story and if it was somewhat more tied together for the reader it would be difficult not to get sucked into your world.
Can someone explain the Dwarven Radiance?
Very cool, more tonal piece. I presume this is one of the fractal moments in the Civil War of Humanity, where the God-Queen began, and connected with the Dwarven Radience machine, bringing humans to Sirius. Really ambitious to take on a retelling in 1k words! I think you do a really good job. I especially love how you play with words like "It," in passages like, "It may have guided them as they traveled," it is unclear if you mean the Radiance, her drawing of power, or the cosmic lustful "It" entity. Really dig this ambiguous use of language; feels appropriate for a demonic-influenced retelling.
I love this one. It may be my favorite of the submissions.
Thanks. My brother recently introduced me to OPR. We have been googling lore as we go. It seems like there are some pretty big plot wholes in the over arching lore I just couldn’t ignore. I assumed the conduit was like the emperor in Isaac Asimov's Foundation series so I played off that. And it looks like the queen eventually kills the god of lust (40k’s Slaanesh) so I tried to tie that in. But I’m not a fan of the monochromatic gods in 40k so I tried to leave the door open to make it a little more interesting. I was thinking maybe the god of lust really falls for the queen because she is the only one who can resist him. Not because she is a boring manufactured grey knight. But because she is a hard core badass who has been pushing back against the pressures of reality from childhood.
Or maybe she ends up dominating the god of lust and he becomes her tool and eventually good friend and they end things mutually to balance out the universe.
Or maybe they are so tied together and that’s why she over compensates with her order of nuns. But in the end she takes her own life to finish Lust off like some kind of Harry Potter and Voldemort moment.
Ya! There's something I really like that was said about 40k's novels when someone asked, "Is this canon?" The reply was, "Everything's canon; but not everything is true." I think it's really cool to play with deceit, reality warping, confusion, hallucination etc in order to establish a fleshed-out world that still has a lot of room for things to be filled in.
The original lore as I understand it (for this particular event), is that the queen escaped from a civil war in Spain. Flies with some refugees to the most powerful ship in the bad guy’s (the founder) fleet and takes it from a bunch of armored super troopers called… the battle brother. Then the founder chases after them, and boards their ship and the queen inexplicably obtains magic powers, kills the founder and the whole fleet teleports to another galaxy because of a painfully convenient plot device and or maybe just because …? The fleet of humans then becomes a series of complex nations over the next thousands of years and kinda dominates the political landscape of that galaxy that was previously controlled by well established alien races? Some where in there the Founder clones himself and maybe become immortal through that process. And the queen becomes immortal because the writers say so. Then she murders the god of lust and dies in the process. To me that feels pretty messy and not terribly well thought out. I’m not an expert though. I know there is a lot in the universe going on outside this story and I know I’m probably missing a lot even within this story.
So I tried to clumsily tape it all into a shape that was maybe a little more engaging and grimdark.
Somehow I haven’t read or heard anything about the Dwarven Radiance. Maybe that’s the thing I’m missing that will make all this lore work a little better in my head. What is the Dwarven Radiance? Tell me about it.
As far as I know, the understanding from the Sirius side of the universe on the Humans arrival is that the Dwarves constructed a doomsday machine to fight back in a war they were losing against the orcs. Activating it resulted in a huge catastrophe that decimated many races and star systems in Sirius, especially the dwarves and orcs, and also somehow brought humanity and something called "radiance" to Sirius. Radiance being a sort of "voidstuff"radioactivity that corrupts and twists man and machine. The Radiance Machine pulls from a lot of Dwarven archtypes; Heart of Lorkan or the Balrog in Moria.
As to how the radiance machine led to the nexus of humanity's civil war being yanked wholecloth into Sirius, that's a mystery of the setting.
A really awesome opening paragraph, then I lost the the narrative a little. Lovely descriptions and the central idea was intriguing if a little ambitious for the one page limit.
Thank you. I appreciate. I definitely rushed it. I wish I could resubmit this now that I have made some edits.
I know the feeling!
The story likely needed more space to be fully fleshed out since I did find myself struggling to keep up with what we were talking about. That being said your use of language in the moment was great and really gave emotion to the story.
I had a book in my head and tried to cram it onto a single page in a short sitting. I wish I had more time and space to flesh this out.
Nice! Interesting and grimdark.
Thanks!
Wow. I'm not entirely certain what I just read, but it sounded cool. There was a certain energy in the story that I'm here for.
Thanks. I wish I could run with this energy for a whole book. I feel like it could use 200 more pages and another 50 edits.
Grim, dark, intense and clearly written.
Happy Birthday!
that was a very different story than any of the other ones I read so far. I enjoyed it, but I am not entirely sure what actually happened lol.
Whatever you imagined happening is canon. The story belongs to the reader.
The concept & originality in She is chilling. A young boy facing such a reality makes me want to stand in this story a little longer. I liked the glimmer of hope in the darkness. Captivating!
Thank you. This is my favorite comment.
Great story. Very Grim Dark.
Try to stick to a consistent POV.
POV is a construct forced on us by modern society. It was a shared collective experience. The pivotal moment shifts and flows between moments and individuals. Zooming in and out as events rise and fall.
The theme tie in could have been executed a little more crisper but... this! This is the kind of fundamental fleshing out of lore that OPR needs to thrive! And I'll accept nothing less than this quality, either. It was dramatic, so grim, hopeless, so dark and stuffed with that "I have to know what happened" energy that lore overviews will never reproduce.
The theme was an awkward stumbling block. The lore demanded the story be told. Who am I to deny the call. I don't like that OPR Grim Dark is often called grim grey, and 40k is called grim dark. The thing that makes it grim and dark is how miserable and brutal life in space just naturally is, and how awful and hopeless galaxy-spanning conflicts are. 40k manufactures the grim dark. OPR Grim Dark leaves room for people to fall in love, raise a family, or work on a farm. But then there are conflicts like this in space that just are naturally grimmer and darker than our worst nightmares. And the potential for beauty in this universe that is completely absent from any other grim dark literature makes the grim darkness so much darker. There is so much more height to climb and so much further to fall in this universe. Other grim dark universes are so 2 dimentsional. I just wanted to add some dimensionality and possibility to the OPR, a university brimming with potential.
And also my whole plan was that the story would be close enough to the OPR version. The OPR version was awkward at best as far as I can tell. So I tried to claim the OPR version was just the version that was told thousands of years later. It’s not the truth but it’s close enough. My story is the truth!
Awesome! I want a whole novel on the origin of the God Empress and the Founder! Nice Take.
We will have to make that happen