Play short-story
The Thing behind the Glass's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Entertainment value | #1 | 4.000 | 4.000 |
| Overall | #2 | 4.000 | 4.000 |
| Artistic merit | #3 | 4.000 | 4.000 |
Ranked from 6 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Word count1730
Blurb
The old resident of the clock tower is disturbed by an unwelcome guest. It quickly becomes clear that this guest comes from a completely different world.
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Comments
I really enjoyed reading this! It was an interesting world building - you're very good at character building and going through with their characterizations (“You are a slave to the minutes...” versus "We could have died earlier, and we could die at any moment.", which I really loved, because it mirrors the characters' beliefs really well).
I need to admit I was a bit confused in the beginning (~ the first page), which didn't seem very coherent throughout the sentences and dialogue. I really liked the pov of the crow, though! I was a bit disappointed to get to know that not the whole story was written through the crow's pov and that the crow seemingly got forgotten after it changed to the old man's pov, though I understand why you might have decided to do so, and that the crow is a metaphor for the old man's feelings.
The conversation was maybe a bit too dialogue heavy for my own personal preference, which leads to me not feeling too much like I am actually in the story/moment. But that's a personal preference, and I think the said dialogue was definitely worth it :D
Loved the mysterious feelings this evokes! The descriptions and the dialogue felt very dynamic and fast paced. I struggled just a tiny bit to follow the story on the first read though, I think it was too dialogue heavy for my liking and I did not have enough "grounding" in the environment to properly visualize the world; I do believe that is just a personal preference, though, and overall I really enjoyed reading it! I think it has a lot of artistic value, and does a great job at showcasing the characters
Yeah I guess our styles are like night & day xD
But I get it. It was my first official story too, so the more feedback I get, the more I realize: I like metaphor A BIT too much. People do have problems to orientate in my world, because of too few physical description.
I thought this might be no problem, because it was only one room & 2 characters, but it seems to be.
So since you are obviously one of the best here to ask for physical descriptions, I would really love to hear your opinion: in which moments you felt especially lost? where would you add more description & less dialogue?
Haha I guess that is the case. In my opinion, things get very disorientating at the end of page 1, and page 2 largely makes it more confusing; because of how fast paced the narrative is, that is, perhaps, accurately representing the feelings of the characters in that moment, which is good, but as a reader I struggle to put myself into an environment and with people I cannot imagine. I feel like that is especially the case when writing things that are different from "traditional" fantasy and include things that might be new to reader, because of the total lack of meta grounding at that point
Thanks a lot. I will put a little more physical stuff in there.
I want to say, the 'original version' is written in German. German language has an "impersonal" form, to keep a little distance between you & others (e.g. in a working-environment). So the Old One uses impersonal form when talking to others & singular when talking of himself. he is also portrayed as male. while the Visitor uses a personal form with others (like you would use with friends or family) & uses plural when talking of itself. It is also referenced as"it", so the German text might give a reader a little more orientation who is talking at which moment.
However, I am very thankful for your feedback & will try to implement it into the next version. Guess I will read your story again & that one by arthim. You guys are masterful at physical description
I love the tone you created here! The old man slowly becoming more open to new experiences and connecting with the visitor was really enjoyable, and I liked the role the crow played at the start + end.
I would've loved to learn more about where the visitor came from or who they are. The sense of mystery was great and it would be nice to learn more about the worldbuilding and setting.
Your writing is very engaging and the story was a joy to read. You're very good at developing a convincing atmosphere that starts off creepy and unsettling, but over the course of the story feels more welcoming and hopeful.
Your comment really made me proud of my work. Thank you so much, this was very kind..
These comments here are just available to the participants of the jam & I think I will not have many chances to write about this world again, so I guess I can spill the tea for you:
===SPOILERS FOR THE STORY===
on a completely non-metaphorical level, this is the story about a vampire, who lived in a cursed clocktower for so long, that he missed earth being visited by aliens (or AI/androids, whatever). The aliens are a harmonic species, that brought a new era of peace & cooperatipn to humankind.
On a metaphorical viewpoint, the alien represents 'progress via cooperation' (future), the vampire represents 'habit' (past), so he implements themes of specialization, but also 'ego' & obviously missed to adapt to the new world.
The clocktower was the first point where the aliens arrived.
I generally love the idea of vampires, who represent a pretty primitive side of us. And I especially love when you think about them as immortals, who can absolutely be placed in modern stories or sci-fi.
Why or how the clocktower is cursed is open for interpretation. It IS kind of a living being, isolates the vampire & alters his perception of reality. In my personal preference, the clocktower is cursed by the vampires own "magic" that started to work against his favor.
I'm a fellow chess enthusiast, I'm happy about I could see the game while reading and it has a deeper meaning for our everyday life plus the atmosphere reminds me to 1984...
Nice! I am okay-ish in chess, but I hoped a true chess-guy might read the story & could picture the game :D
Thanks for your feedback, it means a lot to me. Guess I will have to finally read 1984 now..