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A jam submission

In then Out (OPR Writing Jam 14)View project page

Submitted by The Lionheart — 8 hours, 7 minutes before the deadline
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Play book

In then Out (OPR Writing Jam 14)'s itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Concepts & Originality#423.4163.500
Adherence to Theme#532.8792.950
Flow & Clarity#572.6842.750
Overall#572.9933.067

Ranked from 20 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Host

Hello, thank you for participating in the Writing Jam #14! Please email customers@onepagerules.com, to claim your participation minis!

Submitted(+1)

Nice, another first-person POV, it's always a gamble writing in that POV, but that start grabbed me right away! A lot of solid descriptions here, even though I think dialogue might need another pass. Still excellent work all around! 

Submitted(+1)

I think the ending was kind of too late. i was right there riding high and invested and curious and might have preferred to be left there wondering than trying to interpret the ending after the high wore off. Regardless, it was an easy read and I was gripped with pretty much no criticism through the reat of it, very enjoyable story!

Submitted(+1)

i adored the portal weirdness here, especially the detail that everyone comes through at different times. it gives the whole mission a nicely unstable feeling. the piece is a bit rough mechanically in places, so the flow took some work for me, but the core adventure setup is clear. cool story overall

Submitted(+1)

The dialogue could use some editing and there are a few sentences here and there that could be rearranged, but as mk812 said below your description of spell casting was quite cool. 

Submitted(+1)

I enjoyed this. First person POV did reduce some of its impact and flow.

Submitted(+1)

Oooh magic! I loved the way you described casting a spell. At a few points the writing could be improved, I noticed a few missing words and punctuation marks. That didn't distract too much from the plot though which is a solid and classic approach to the genre. Keep it up!

Submitted(+1)

There are some neat concepts here that would be really interesting to see explored more in some sequels.

Submitted(+1)

I really enjoyed the fact that the threat in this one is more nuisance than earth shattering.  A well trained team of soldiers jumping through endless portals and locations is a solid foundation for many follow up stories.