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Free Fall - OPR Writing Jam #14's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concepts & Originality | #5 | 4.130 | 4.130 |
| Overall | #7 | 3.754 | 3.754 |
| Adherence to Theme | #13 | 3.522 | 3.522 |
| Flow & Clarity | #18 | 3.609 | 3.609 |
Ranked from 23 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
Hello, thank you for participating in the Writing Jam #14! Please email customers@onepagerules.com, to claim your participation minis!
Very well done! Love the pacing on this one, fits the mold of a one-page story nicely. A lot of really great descriptions as well. Overall, fantastic work!
This was very well written and I enjoyed seeing some Dark Elf stuff (especially as someone not overly familiar with 40K lore).
It was not entirely clear to me what happened to the protagonist's transport--was it blown up or did he just fall out? I think it would be stronger if you really grounded his current predicament in his own choices (is he too much of a badass to wear a parachute? Is it his fault the ship didn't have defenses?) You set that up a bit with the Witch's advice he ignores, but I'd really love a stronger grasp on how his decisions led him to this freefall. Similarly, if you could tie the rescue into whatever theme you're aiming for, it would make it very strong (i.e. does the raider save him because of their bond? Because they have some shared sense of trust? Because he risked himself to save this guy in the past?)
Please don't think that all these notes mean I don't like it. In fact, it's one of my favorites from this jam. I think it is very close to being something truly excellent.
Thank you! I really like the Dark Elves of Grimdark Future, quite different then the dark eldar of 40k.
I appreciate the feedback, always looking to get better. I was trying to have smaller facts fall by the wayside in order to emphasize the current situation, but I think you're right in saying I dropped too many of them. More set up for the rescue would have improved the piece or simply letting him hit the ground. I didn't want to write such a sad piece though. The rescue was supposed to come off as an /impossible/ rescue, helping to shore up the theme of the jam, I don't think I conveyed that enough in the writing.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I really enjoyed the slow drip of context as to who the protagonist of the story is and the genuinely creative swing of cutting up each paragraph into one section of their inner monologue as the pseudo-clock of the altimeter counted down. I think that you really used the limitations of the wordcount well with that structure and it kept the pace of wanting to see what happens next in a very satisfying way!
I love stories that break OPR away from the GW lore that it was birthed from, and this one really seems to nail that using the lore we have for the factions. The dark elves have grit, but hope, and it's nice to see. There are a few sentences that read a little wonky, but overall this was a great read and the save at the end doesn't evoke deus ex machina like a lot of other works have. Raiders and bikers go hand in hand.
I'm a big fan of the lore Grimdark is rolling out, especially where it draws away from GW. Its what drew me into this contest.
I tried to make the rescue an impossible save, using the extra words I could have set it up better. Thank you for reading.
Good story! It reminds me of The View From Halfway Down from Bojack Horseman, the countdown added a lot of suspense.
There was one line that took me out of it for a moment near the beginning, though. I had to reread it a few times to comprehend properly. For the future, "greenhouses" is one word.
Beyond that, no notes! It was a fantastic read!
Haha I see the confusion. No matter how many re-reads, I'll always leave in a mistake. Thank you for reading
Glad you got it converted, that was a very rich story for the word count. Don't really have any critiques- just a solid, no nonsense bit that leaves me wanting for the whole story.
Not the dark elf story I was expecting but perhaps the one I needed. Kudos!
fantastic. it reminds me of "the view from half-way down." Great description of a mind racing between topics before death.
So descriptive, so original, so depressing...yet so refreshing. BRAVO!