Play book
The Saint Could Not Be Saved's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Overall | #4 | 3.858 | 4.167 |
| Flow & Clarity | #7 | 3.858 | 4.167 |
| Concepts & Originality | #7 | 4.012 | 4.333 |
| Adherence to Theme | #9 | 3.703 | 4.000 |
Ranked from 18 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Hello, thank you for participating in the Writing Jam #14! Please email customers@onepagerules.com, to claim your participation minis!
Hey, I'm going to narrate some of the entries from this jam and put them on YouTube, would it be alright if I did yours? I'd credit you of course. And congrats on getting into the top five!
That was a very satisfying read, the little slivers of almost implied doubt & humanity scattered throughout a cold calculated scene told a wonderful story! <3
Thank you so much for reading and kind words!
Really interesting, a perfect setup for a perfect delivery. Maybe too perfect but that's in the realm of philosophy. I had a lot of fun reading this!
Thank you for reading!!
Appreciate it!
Favorite one I've read so far.
Oh, gosh. Thank you!!!
Really appreciate it!
Fantastic story with a punch of an ending. Solid pacing overall as well, loved it.
Thank you so much for kind words!!
Glad you like it!!!
This is good. I think the ending is the strongest part.
The thing survives, but the saint does not. That is a clean hit.
But I think the horror would be sharper if the last human part felt colder and more pathetic. Not alive in a grand way, just the final wet remainder before the machine turns him into something measurable.
Thank you for the feedback!!
I agree. I'm working on it!!
Nice work. I absolutely loved the pacing and the dialogue.
Thank you for the feedback!!
I really enjoyed this. The ending was especially powerful and incredibly effective.
Thank you so much for the feedback!!
You didn't waste time on massive lore dumps. That final exchange is absolutely devastatingg. Loved it
Thank you for the feedback!!
Appreciate it!
The idea of whether or not a machine can truly replicate or "receive" human consciousness has been debated for a while, but you gave the sense of existential dread that characterizes such stories with just a few words at the end. Or am I missing out on something? Either way, well done!
Thanks for the feedback!!
A great story. Personally I am sucker for political undertones in dogmatic organizations, so having a literal saint bring up that he might get manipulated and used once he can't defend himself anymore, was a great way to build up some tension.
Are you looking for any kind of feedback for your story?
Thank you!!
Yess. I would love to hear your feedback!
Here's the thoughts I gathered while reading:
I am a big fan of the Saint acknowledging that he is not perfect and that to be so would be less than ideal. I feel like that has some undertones of humanity remaining necessary, even in these robot bodies. Sort of a last revelation to a true believer before he is gone.
The opening, I felt needed a bit more work - brains can't feel pain by themselves, they can't tremble by themselves and I don't think anyone expects to find a heart in the open skull of a person. All that felt a bit weird to me.
In the prayer: Blessed be the hand that "loosens" from pain - becoming loose sort of implies that the hand has weakened and can no longer grip - maybe "the hand that eases pain" would be closer to what you intended?
I am also not sure what he intended to mean with "Better words" - is it implying he rejects the prayer, as in better words are needed?
And okay, so they have a prayer response value that can be measured - I felt like that needed some extra explanation. While reading I got the idea that it was a bad thing.
Thanks for the careful read. Honestly, these are fair notes, and oh gosh, yeah, I can see where I got it wrong!
For the opening, I was treating the brain less as a literal pain-feeling organ and more as the last ugly symbolic human piece left in the room. But yeah, "pulsed" and "trembled" probably make it feel too biological and literal, and the heart comparison may be leading the reader toward the wrong expectation. I think the fix is probably to make the image colder and less alive. Something closer to “the last wet human thing,” rather than making it act like an organ with agency.
On the prayer line, you are right about 'loosens." I meant release from pain, not weakness or loss of grip, so "eases" or something closer to that would probably better.
"Better words' was meant as Ceron saying the old prayer is not enough for what is happening to him. Not that he rejects prayer itself, more that the language cannot carry the horror of this procedure anymore. I think I need one cleaner cue there. Maybe something like him saying the prayer is "too clean" or "too small" before asking for better words.
The prayer response value was meant to be disturbing because the cult has turned even prayer into something measurable on a monitor. I wanted that to feel wrong without stopping to explain it, but I can see why it might need one sharper beat. Maybe instead of explaining the whole system, I can make Mara react to it more clearly, so the reader understands that the number itself is the horror.
So my likely revision direction would be: cleaner anatomical imagery in the opening, "eases' instead of 'loosens,' one clearer emotional cue for 'better words,' and one small beat showing that prayer being quantified is not normal or holy- but bureaucratic and wrong.
Does that sound like the right fix, or do you think any of those problems need a bigger structural change rather than just sharper wording?
I think you might also get away with just adding something about the machine priest imagining physical reactions and movements from the brain - that could lean into what they feel about this procedure as it is done to Ceron.
Your proposed changes make sense and would most likely do the trick and I don't think a big change would do the story any good anyway. It is already good, just needs its edges sanded so to speak ^^
Okay!! I’ll work on a new draft with this revision. Thanks a lot for your feedback!
You are welcome, glad I could help.
this has teeth under the holiness. clean, sad, and properly uncomfortable. it treats faith and machinery as almost the same wound, just dressed differently. also “flesh is the first draft” is a hell of a line. great work
So glad that line landed for you!
Thank you for the feedback!!
Incredible atmosphere and a really strong ending. The industrial sci-fi horror and emotional tension worked perfectly together. One of the most memorable entries so far.
Thank you so much for the feedback!!