I think you have something here, that guy above is being really harsh. I think if you were to put the story/script into google docs, and use that for things like spell checking and asking a native english speaker/reader to proofread it could go a long way. These things are really noticeable in VNs like this because readers focus on stuff like this and they want to be immersed.

Sorry for making you read a wall of text, I'm just a dude who writes stories sometimes and RPs xd