Spoiler Alert!
Short entry with plenty of flaws, but regardless, the first step is always to have something to show first! You should be proud of yourself for submitting <3.
The pace was way too fast, barely anything made sense logically. (Like wdym you’re about to send some human who doesn’t exactly have any mentioned special powers and have no idea about the world to go grab a multiverse level threat IMMEDIATELY). Another thing is somehow, such a big threat is stored in an office…owned by a gangboss. You’d think there’d be something more. Suspension of disbelief is mostly ruined with that line, and I couldn’t get myself immersed at all (and the bgs didn’t help either). Another thing is, the decision to not follow the guide was a bit too abrupt? Like you literally just followed his words and got the artifact, if anything, that reinforces the notion that the guide is correct imo.
Checked the script file, “subversion of Adastra and My Wolf tropes” was not done effectively. The point about the guide was above, while not sacrificing too much for Ray being only 2800 words in (the gun scene) is barely anything at all. If anything, it is still too fast.
For characters, you missed out the golden chance to expound on the characters, ESPECIALLY Ray when they are walking to the door (as it can be reasoned that Ray is locked in during the first part of the mission).
Presentation wise, the lack of bgs and sounds (except the gunshot) was a major problem. There was an opinion while I was reading this that they’d rather see a display image error than having bright red/yellow screen burn their eyes, so be careful with the color usage. (It doesn’t take that much time to just slap a random background on tho, as long as you credit it properly). There are a few typos and errors in the script.
It kinds of read like an attempt at being a unique isekai piece that tries its best to be unique, however sometimes you should evaluate what rule should be broken and what should be kept, so that the story flows consistently and logically.
Theme: I mean “The Guide” is literally a bundle of light. While the dark is prolly that threat of the artifact. It wasn’t executed well tho, there was not a moment where I felt any type of urgency in their actions and their words, devaluing the importance of the plot.
With a bit of rereading and evaluating plot points, you could make it work <3 I believe in you as an isekai enjoyer :3
P.S is this the start of power-scaling isekai in the FVN community :eye:
Rating: 3112