The first two pages are really well written and evocative, but I'm not sure they're the best way to communicate for playability. I think I see what you're going for, narrating in prose what someone would encounter if they were making this trip. I can see how a GM might translate that into a playable experience, but I think it'd be a little bit of an extra challenge. Personally, I'd be tempted to just lift the whole thing as a travel monologue, omitting the encounters and rewards.
The second two pages are closer to what I'd expect from a typical dungeon module in presentation. I'd recommend maybe combining the two pages into a spread, so you can see both the schematics of the dungeon and the location descriptions on the same page.
I think you have a good voice for creating dungeons, you nail the tone. I'd just try to focus on considering, "How will someone play this module" while you're writing and I think you'll be able to make the conversion between writing a short story and writing an adventure module. If you're looking for some specific recommendations:
- Try to incorporate headers that flow into each other. That will also help with someone referencing the document as they're playing it if needed
- Find a way to separate the prose, which can be used by the GM while describing a location, from the meat of the adventure (encounters, rewards, etc.)
- Break up your document into two clear sections: travelling to the dungeon and arriving at the dungeon. You could also consider doing two A4 spreads for ease of reference between the two
- If you'd like to keep the prose and use it as an adventure intro, that's also totally fine. I'd just try to cut it down to the most important bits and then use the rest to help communicate how to travel to the dungeon and what an adventuring party might encounter along the way.
Lastly, I think you have the tone and theme down, but I do think there's some follow up missing with the connection to your title. I've read through your document twice and here are the connections I think I understand between the content and the title:
- The journey described on the first two pages was undertaken by an avatar of Ogun who carried holy weaponry. The players are following in their footsteps as they undertake the same journey for unclear reasons.
- The mine on pages 3 and 4 have some connection to Ogun, likely a worship place as it includes an altar
- Some magical weaponry can be found in The Old Lair, it's unclear if this weaponry is the same as was carried by the Avatar of Ogun. Some unexplainably immaculate armor is also in this lair. I assume Ogun's avatar brought this stuff here and then left it.
I think being a little more explicit in how this area connects to Ogun and his offal would help put a bow on the module.