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badmedicinegames227 days ago(+3)

Hey there, Izzy. Thank you for your comment. About the lack of environment/background descriptions, English is not my first language so these childish, poorly written descriptions already took a lot from me. I try to read books and newspapers but those descriptions don't come naturally to me. No wonder it seems like how a 10 years old would write. That's why I focused so much on Zehir's lines. He is the star of the show. I needed to compensate the lack of environment descriptions with character dialogue. I actually would love a native speaker to handle the descriptions I can't write for the life of me for me. As long as your writing doesn't contradict the characters' psychology and behavior(Like for example, you wouldn't be able to refuse Zehir. If you did that, he'd kill you right then and there for "leading him on" and then himself. He's the kind of yandere that throws a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants from his LI. If that doesn't work, he gets pissed and kills them. He has that in common with the other yandere from another game I created, Louhi. I guess we're just too used to yandere men who would never hurt their LI. Mine are violent. Zehir is also totally the type to speedrun a relationship and ask for marriage after a few days so that sudden kiss wasn't completely out of character.), I'd absolutely love some help, if you're still interested in the kind of yandere Zehir is, ofc. I do think I should give much more options and improve the other characters' dialogue. I guess you already read in the comments that this was rushed. But the project wasn't just lacking due to lack of time, it was because of lack of BUDGET too. I wanted to create something that looks beautiful so I commissioned talented artists to do the job and that was very expensive for me, especially the backgrounds. That's why the players won't get more than a few locations as I can only commission a few backgrounds so I have to be very selective with it. Later I even realized that there are some Zehir's facial expressions that are missing but I decided to deal with it and improvise. Btw, are you an artist? Can I see your work? If you're reading this and you're still interested, I'd love your help. 

Overall thank you for your constructive criticism 🙏🏻

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Izzy ฅ^>⩊<^ ฅ💕💗225 days ago (1 edit) (+1)(-4)

damn that's actually quite a unique concept for a yandere, makes them a whole lot scarier lol! I now understand his character more o.o and I didn't know you weren't native, my apologies! Well actually I'm not either, czech is my first language but I learnt english very early on, so i may aswell be a native speaker lol. The only reason I said that it sounds like a 10 year old wrote it is bc i wrote a pokemon story when i was 10 and the dialogue reminded me of how I wrote the pokemon battles lol! I meant no hate T_T

And honestly, the dialogue is overall very good, our partner's dialogue did a great job of making me hate him lol, and Zehir's dialogue aand VA is honestly incredible!! As for those descriptive bits, I will absolutely rewrite them- i dont have much time today, but ill make sure to add them in the next few days, I'll just reply to this comment with the original line and then with the rewritten version next to it- you can use them in the game or edit them however you like after that!! :D 

And I can also say places where I think it would be cool to have choices, if you want, I can also include that in the next comment.:) and if there's any future characters you need help writing/designing, I'm absolutely open to it!! character design and writing is my speciality;D Honestly, I would help with backgrounds, but I fear I'm a beginner at backgrounds, I have just now started incorporating backgrounds into my works lol, but honestly the art in this game is incredible and does not need anything done to it at all. The only two bits where I found something is in the kiss scene, it describes him as kissing MC hungrily and ferociously, but in the cg it looked like a little peck LOL, and in his sprite when he has this mouth closed his teeth sort of look like tiny doritos sticking out of his mouth, but honestly, i only realised bc i am very observant and nitpicky, and i criticise almost every single media i consume, I just love being a critic, and i guess i have a natural eye for it, i also observe and critique things a lot so i know what to do and what not to do in my own works, so a normal person absolutely would not ven notice these details, and they are insignificant anyways, and absolutely do not need changing if you don't wish to do so, again im just very observant and nitpicky about basically everything lol. But if u do ever need help with anything art related, even though our styles are very different, as i said i do have experience working with other styles and help my freinds with their drawings a lot, so im very good at editing drawings to make them look better or even at mimicking art styles:)

As for my art, I'll show some of my most recent works (most of them are still works in progress) and unfortunately, these are some of my more boring character designs T_T i have like a trillion ocs and most of them have cooler character designs than these, most of them are my huamn camp ocs with some random other ones sprinkled in there, and the jster and wolf one is fanart qwq I just haven't had a lot of time to work on them because school and life stuff is really taking up my time:')  our art styles are very different but I have a lot of self insert ocs for media that i like, and i sometimes do screencaps with my oc in it, so im pretty good at replicating artstyles if you ever need help with any of your art, but it honestly doesn't need it as far as i've seen, but i'm always open.<3 anyways ill just show my art since you asked but it's very different to your style so idek why im showing it but honestly ill get any chance to show people my stuff LOL, u dont even need to reply 2 this bit if u dont want to <33 but if u do then some of them r older and some r newer, so if the heads look too big on some of them or some anatomy looks off, its probably one of my older works, i was struggling with finding my style for a while, but ive just recently sort of settled down, so the newer ones definitely look more improved in my opinion:) itch is very weird with attaching photos, so i added some in a collage and added the ones i could again with higher resolution lol( also the image of the bedroom under this is my mha ocs room/my dream room, and basically the closest thing ive ever gotten to drawing an actual background:3)

anyways here are my drawings, again im just adding them here mostly for me lol, so u dont gotta look at them if u dont want 2<3 
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Izzy ฅ^>⩊<^ ฅ💕💗112 days ago

HELLO IM SO SORRY FOR NOT REPLYING FOR LIKE FIVE BILLION YEARS exams really took over my life, and then music performance stuff, and general school stuff and.. yea, just a lot. So my apologies.. I also kinda forgot about this with all that going on, but when I looked in my notes and saw my writing stuff I remembered and finished it! All the things here are mere suggestions, so just feel free to take what you like. On some of them I improved the english, or the tenses, just made it make more sense, or on some of them I low-key just added my own spin on it, so yea, again, just take what you like!:D

I have the original words above the rewritten ones, with them being divided by a - so it’s easier to see. When I say(next slide) I mean like, when you click on the screen and it changes to the next words in the text box, if that makes sense. Anyways, enjoy!!<3


But whatever is inside can’t be more dangerous than what we’re dealing out here

-

But whatever is inside this mysterious looking warehouse can’t possibly be worse than the destruction that’s happening out here.

Once inside, I carefully look at my surroundings to see where the Shard could be.

-

Once inside, I cautiously scan my surroundings to see if I can spot where the Shard could be.

I see more dead bodies on the ground.

-

I spot more dead bodies on the ground, some strewn awkwardly across the floor, some with scratch marks on them, some.. actually, I don’t even wanna look at that.

That’s when I find someone rummaging through the toxic waste barrels.

-

That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spot a strange purple and green-coloured figure rummaging through the toxic waste barrels.

They didn’t notice me here yet.

-

I don’t think they noticed me yet.

I approach them to try get their attention.

-

I cautiously approach them and attempt to catch their attention.

They’re dripping with a weird substance.

-

They’re slathered in a strange liquid substance, which is dripping all over the concrete floor.(next slide) okay, I’m beginning to think this person isn’t human..

I run away as fast as I can.

-

I sprint away as fast as my legs can take me.

I look behind me only to see him right behind me moving at a steady and calm Pace.

-

I glance behind me, only to see him right behind me moving at a steady and calm pace. Shit, what was all this P.U.R.G.E training for if I can’t outrun a simple ubyr!?

It’s so scary!

-

He’s freaking me the fuck out!

I’m not the fastest of my group.

-

I mean, I’m not particularly the fastest of my group, but still..

I nearly trip over my own feet because I have to run and dodge these long-ranged interweaving attacks unleashed by thise whip-like poisonous tentacles.

-

I nearly trip over my own feet due to having to run and dodge his onslaught of attacks from his flagellated poisonous tentacles.

I panic even more when random, innocent civilians are caught in the crossfire as he tries to strike me.

-

I panic even more when innocent civilians are caught in the crossfire of his bombardment.

Without thinking we turn right and find a pharmacy on the streets.

-

Without thought, we sharply turn right and spot a pharmacy among the fire-stricken or burning streets. (Next slide) a bright white beacon of hope amongst the burnt and ash-ridden buildings.

We decide that it could be a decent hiding spot so we go inside.

-

We decide that it could be a decent spot to hide so we head inside.

Eira and I hide behind the counter.

-

Eira and I conceal ourselves behind the counter.

I take a peek to see what it is.

-

I slowly twist my head around the corner of the shelf were crouching behind, my eyes darting to pinpoint the sound.

It’s that ubyr!

-

My eyes finally focus in on.. a familiar flash of green and purple.. oh god..(next slide) It’s that goddamn corrosive ubyr!

He’s sealing all possible exits and openings! 

-

He’s sealing all the ways out! Or in, for that matter! Ugh, no openings either..

He’s using that same poisonous substance that his tentacles are made of!

-

He’s utilising the same poisonous substance that his tentacles are comprised of!

He’s manipulating the poison to cover the doors and windows!

-

He’s making it creep along the walls to cover all the doors and windows.. is this guy a bat? What, want me to use echo-location to fight him now!? At least this pharmacy has pretty good lighting..(next slide) the lights flicker. (Next slide) …(nect slide) that better not let me down when I’m in arms reach of this guy.

He trapped us inside!

-

I look around and realise.. oh shit, yea we’re completely sealed inside. (Next slide) He fucking trapped us!

The ubyr launches his whip-like tentacles towards us, destroying the pharmacy counter in the process.

-

The ubyr launches his snakelike tentacles towards us, completely recking the pharmacy counter in the process.

That attack could easily kill us.

-

That attack could easily have killed us.

With my technique I can just control my puppets remotely by manipulating the artificial joints in their body parts that I created with my bolts and nuts imbued with Astral Extracts.

-

My technique can be applied by controlling puppets I own remotely by manipulating their artificial joints that I created with bolts and nuts imbued with Astral Extracts.

(Have to continue this on another comment Becuz it’s too many characters) 

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Izzy ฅ^>⩊<^ ฅ💕💗112 days ago

(continued)

I won’t need to touch him and his poison won’t affect inanimate objects like my puppets.

-

I won’t be necessary to touch him, and his poison won’t affect my puppets because they’re inanimate objects! Score!

Eira freezes the ubyr in place!

-

Eira freezed the ubyr in place, go on Eira!

Now you can’t move or use your tentacles!

-

Now he can’t move or use his tentacles! (Next slide)We got him now..

That’s our perfect chance!!

-

This is our perfect chance!

I’ll jump him with my marionettes while he’s trapped in the ice!!

-

I’ll attack him with my marionettes while he’s trapped in the ice.

What are you doing!?

-

..what is he doing!?

My marionettes will kill you if you don’t do something about your situation!

-

My marionettes will kill him if he doesn’t move!(next slide) I mean.. I guess that’s what I want, but would that really make me any better than any ubyr that ever killed a human?(next slide)…(next slide) of course I’m better than an ubyr, I can’t believe I even entertained the thought.

Suddenly he breaks the ice with his tentacles! 

-

Before I can even dare to finish my thought, he abruptly shatters the ice with his tentacles..!

When more of them jump him, he starts to showcase some kind of martial art moves!

-

When more of them attack him, he begins to showcase some sort of martial arts!

He’s tougher than my puppets!

-

He’s tougher than my puppets..

One of the puppets try to slash him with a sword!

-

One of my puppet attempt to cut him with a sword.

But before it can cut him, a long scorpion-like tail emerges from his back and breaks the sword!

-

But before it can even dream of cutting him, a scorpion-like tail emerges from his back and shatters the sword!

Is that tail made of poison too!?

-

Is that tail made of poison too!?(next slide)..oh who am I kidding, of course it is.

He can solidify his chemicals and shape them into whatever he wants!?

-

He can solidify the chemicals in his body qnd shape them into whatever he wants!?(next slide) Great, just what I needed.

Then he used his tentacles again to destroy all my puppets, covering them with a poison that corrodes and melts them!

-

He just slathered his tentacles all over my puppets, his poison covering and corroding them.(next slide) Oh, now they’re melted! Ugh, this is going to take me ages to make new ones.. how annoying.

The puppets practically didn’t deal any damage!

-

The best part is, the puppets barely even dealt any damage!

If I manage to touch him, I’ll be able to turn him into my marionette and take back the Astral Shard he stole!

-

Actually, I’m unsure if he did steal it or not- I mean, it’s not like I exactly watched him take it from somewhere- but I mean he’s an ubyr, what else would he do!!

One more for my collection!

-

One more for my collection.. hehe.

Suddenly one of his poisonous whip-like tentacles interrupts our talk with yet another deadly attack.

-

Suddenly one of his poisonous tentacles whips us again, completely cutting of our conversation.. how rude!

I fall straight to the ground with a thud while dodging that.

-

I fall straight to the ground with a thud whilst dodging it.

Not emotionally destroy the guy!

-

My fucking god Eira, calm down and shut up before he geniunely kills us both, and for good this time!(next slide)I mean damn, I just told him to distract him, not emotionally torment the guy!

I lunge at him and touch his shoulder!

-

I lunge at him and manage to graze his shoulder with my hand!

But my hand burns and starts melting as soon as it touches him!

-

But- wait what the fuck, why is my hand burning. And.. my skin is melting off!? 

(Next slide) what the hell, who is this guy?)

His skin is corrosive!

-

Is his skin corrosive or something!?

He’s laughing at my pain!

-

This idiot is laughing at my agony.

While I was agonising in pain, he strikes my legs with a low kick and knocks them out, making me lose balance and fall.

-

Whilst I’m in excruciating pain, he strikes my legs with a low kick and knocks them out, causing me to lose balance and fall.

(Forgot where this bit goes, just add it somewhere if u like it<3)

(My god, don’t tell me.. this annoying ubyr healed me!? ..Why!? (Next slide) I mean, at least I’m not dead, I guess..

The ubyr has taken the green Astral Shard from us!

-

Fuck!! The man has taken our Green Astral Shard away from us!

Now we can’t heal ourselves if we suffer another fatal injury!

-

Now we can’t heal ourselves at all..

He opens his mouth and exhale some kind of mist!

-

His mouth opens and out comes an ivory coloured thick mist that immediately assault my eyes.

My instincts quickly tell me not to inhale that!

-

Something is telling me not to inhale that..

There’s nowhere to run!

-

Goddamnit, he’s right.. ugh, I should’ve payed attention more in science! (Next slide) Well, maybe before I die he can give me a free science lesson.. (next slide)

Damn, now what am I gonna do!? There’s nowhere to run or hide in here, and I can feel the air stinking up!! (Next slide)

A gas mask wouldve been useful right now.. P.U.R.G.E really should issue those as standard gear.

A large amount of poison starts coming out of his body!

-

He starts to excrete a large amount of poison.. just what I needed, obviously.

They begin to take the shape of several giant branching spikes!

-

They begin to morphe into the shape of several thorned rose stems!

I run out of breath and get dizzy.

-

The world starts spinning around me.. come on body, don’t give up on me now!

The ubyr immediately heals me with the green astral shard before I die.

-

I can feel my body slowly coming back to life.. (next slide) urgh..(next slide) ..what the fuck? Did that ubyr bring me back to life using the green astral shard?

I don’t have any more strength to fight back.

-

I have no strength left to fight back..

I fall to the ground and he stomps on my limbs with crushing force, breaking all my bones.

-

“Ow!” I exclaim, as I get shoved to the ground and he stomps on my limbs with crushing force (next slide) I can feel my bones cracking and breaking.. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain this bad, even in training camp!

But the pain is so intense that it’s hard to listen to him.

-But it hurts so much that it’s hard to listen to anything that’s coming out of his mouth.

Then he stabs me in the back with a knife made with his poison.

-

Then he stabs me in the back with a knife molded out of his poison.

He takes out an echo mirror calling him.

-

Ring ring, ring ring..(next slide) he shoves his hand in his pocket and out comes an echo mirror, and one with an annoying ass ringtone at that.

He’s still breathing.

Oh, thank the lord- he’s still breathing. Shallowly, but breathing nonetheless.

I check the ubyr to see what he’ll do next.

-

I glance over to the ubyr to scan out any future actions.

Someone must’ve told him some reslly bad news.

-

Damn, I haven’t seen someone this distraught for ages.. someone must’ve told him some really horrifying news.

He staggers to a corner of the pharmacy and sits down on the floor in a fetal position.

-

He staggers to a corner of the pharmacy, drooping down into a fetal position, seemingly trying to cut himself off from the surrounding world.

I approach him and try to talk to him as there’s nothing else I can do now.

-

I approach him and try to talk to him.. (next slide) Wait, what the fuck am I doing? (Next slide) I let out a long, deep sigh. (Next slide) well, I guess there’s nothing else I can do now. 

(I can’t do that route)

His skin is not always corrosive?

-

So, I guess his skin is not always corrosive.. huh.

I feel his tears and snot damping my uniform.

-

I feel his tears and snot damping my uniform.. eugh.

“Can you pet me..?”

(Maybe after this line add an option where we can choose to pet him or not, and maybe do some sort of Ddlc-style thing where the mouse moves towards the “let me” option, but it’s still possible to choose not to pet him, but if you don’t he just kills u. Just a suggestion tho!)

I end up indulging him on a whim.

-

I stare at him in shock. That is.. geniunely the last thing I ever thought would come out of this guys mouth.(next slide) I end up indulging him on a whim, because.. hey what the fuck, have you *seen* where my life is at right now? 

Zehir holds my hand and I guide him home.

Zehir grabs a hold of my hand, interlocking my fingers with his rough, calloused hand. His elongated, pointed nails briefly graze my skin, as I guide him back to my- well, I guess *our* house now..

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