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Dude, love this! I've read the comments so I'm not gonna repeat but echo the major sentiment. Congrats on creating your first adventure, it's addicting! I've been running Pirate Borg for a few years now and vibe with the setting and the Commodore is a fantastic big bad.
Have you ever ran or played INTO THE MAELSTROM? I think this would benefit from more freedom of wandering monsters - that also might open up some space. A random table instead of the pregens (maybe a table for the players to roll on for said Hidden Agendas). I'm running some Pirate Borg this weekend (TLAPD) and might include this if there is time - I will let you know how it goes if I do.
I haven't read that. I need to apparently. Thanks for the feedback! If you did, or ever do, get a chance to run this I'll love to hear any notes you have?
Man, this is gorgeous and so fitting for Pirate Borg. I also really like the use of the magic square, which is super-atmospheric for something that is otherwise a basic "here's the key to the lock" note. Excellent map as well -- who did it?
Some of the writing is punishingly small, especially if this is printed out at A5. Info about the pregens isn't critical at the table, or Rawlings' quote at the bottom of the first page, but I'd suggest making some hard cuts of the text -- I ended up cutting effectively a whole page from my piece -- so that the good stuff is all legible for the GM.
I would probably cut the pregens entirely, given that there's a good online Pirate Borg character generator that can spit them out with ease. The motives can be assigned without all the space being used on the pregens' stats.
Likewise, I would only print the stats of the new monsters -- which are very cool -- and just use page numbers to the core book otherwise.
10/10 proper names used throughout this. This feels like Jules Verne's Treasure Island. Fantastic flavor generally and very cinematic.
Thanks for the feedback! This was my first entry or published adventure ever. I learned a lot. My ambitions were a little too big for the page size requirements. I wanted to have pre-gens as part of the scenario because it made sense with hidden agendas. But to your point I probably could have just had their agendas and not included stats.
I drew the map. I've always liked those exploded axonometric maps in adventures and I thought worked with this.
I'm looking forward to running it. At my next con. Unfortunately I had all me regilar gamer friends fproof read it...haha.
I hear you on the ambition.
My first published adventure was trying to do my own riff on The Stygian Library, which no one but Emmy Allen has ever been able to pull off, and I'm no different. But better to make big swings than to just say "here's a 10 foot room, with an orc and pie in the middle of it."
Your adventure is very good. I would strongly consider a second draft once the judging period is over to let it shine -- and you can get around the four-page restriction at that point.
I appreciate the encouragement. I'm going to do exactly that. I'm reformatting it and this will give me the chance to incorporate some real artwork (already reached out to my guy). Once published I'll get you a hard copy if you're interested for inspiring me.
Such a nice header and no picture on the submission-page :(
Hard to read, especially towards the end. Which is a shame, because there is a lot going on. A lot of suspense and investigation.
I get the sense of horror due to the mist. Also the rooms which don’t seem to mean anything - if you don’t know the objectives of the crew members. This could be quite a tug of war with the right player group.
The title was only a loose inspiration, if that (ZORK taught me about the sign of Jupiter many years ago).
Thanks. Clearly I needed to not incorporate the background. I probably tried to include too much, but I wanted a horror adventure with pre-gens that created friction between the players. When I received the title I didn't want to just do some obvious sci-fi plunge, I wanted to invert the expectation. The theme might be a little thin on the plot. It's my first published adventure. I learned a lot. Also...of the text based adventures I think I enjoyed Enchanter the best...hahaha
I'm also trying to figure out how itch.io works. First time at that too.
A lot of adventure! But hard tonparse through with the background and font size
Clearly I should have throttled back on the background density. Thanks for the constructive criticism!
This is awesome. Great visual design and layout that crams a lot of good stuff into a little package. You've got a very well-considered central conceit that you mechanics support really well. The NPCs and monsters are very well written with interesting and evocative prose. I did find that the background image made reading a bit tough in spots, I may have upped the transparency a little to give the text slightly better contrast.
Sounds like the background is an issue, several have commented on that. Makes sense. I really appreciate the analysis of the content and I'm glad you liked it! It's my first try at publishing a fully written adventure in any format. I appreciate the feedback.
A powder-keg with potential, although the small text over that background was brutal on my eyes and brain! A sans background printer-friendly version would be appreciated. Agendas are neat and in a pitch a referee could turn them into adventure hooks. I would have divided the magic square into two parts: the handout itself (found elsewhere) and then maybe a journal entry that states the code is the shape of the sign of jupiter, touching certain numbers.
Thanks for the feedback! Graphics aren't my thing, I was hoping it would feel like something arcane. On the handout, I wanted the adventure to hinge on forcing the PCs to travel through the ship and expose them to the horror encounters as they find the literal and figurative keys to the adventure and their hidden agendas. The structural design is intended to be less about piecing together clues than discovering the place you need to go and finding the 'key' that accesses it - all the while trying not get killed in the process, as each characet's agenda helps dictate opposing choices and builds tension.