I really enjoyed how the narrative was structured to be non-linear, that definitely added a twist I didn't expect. I also find the premise of your story to have a pretty good potential. Somethings I'd add that I think would improve your game would definitely be a bit more interaction from the player's part. So, having the dialogue more spread out by having characters speak part of it, then move a little forward, speak the other part of it. Also by maybe adding answer choices, that don't necessarily change outcomes, but add that extra element of interaction to keep players engaged!