Play gelatinous experience
My Jelly Dragon Femboy's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Horniness | #3 | 3.750 | 3.750 |
| Overall | #4 | 2.600 | 2.600 |
| Use of theme | #5 | 2.750 | 2.750 |
| Polish | #6 | 1.750 | 1.750 |
| Originality | #6 | 3.250 | 3.250 |
| Gameplay | #6 | 1.500 | 1.500 |
Ranked from 4 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Which external assets did you use?
None!
Which cheese is the most sexy one?
Mozzarella!
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Comments
The foundation is good. The exchange is interesting, and the choice of characters is appealing (Yaoi and I aren't exactly best friends, but that doesn't stop me from appreciating your work).
However, there are a couple of things that concern me.
1- While I think Axalkay is quite violent, I acknowledge that he's not wrong. My level of English prevents me from giving such a definitive opinion as he does. I will therefore focus my remarks on the depth of your descriptions and the recurrence of the words used. The excessive use of "Scrotch" makes your text rather vulgar and detracts from the depth of this carnal exchange. Used well, different images would bring a more suitable fluidity to your narrative.
"Hole" could be replaced by "intimacy," for example. "Scrotch" could be replaced by "virility," "member," "limb," and depending on the action, playful wordplay. Instead of using the action "penetrate," you could emphasize the power with the verbs "cleave," "pierce," or "slay," and then follow with a description of pure orgasm or even of carnal pain that is ultimately pleasurable, as if to build intensity to the act. This would have been less crude and more nuanced.
I say this, but I can only follow the principles of French literature. I can't do more with my limited knowledge of English. I hope my remarks can be adapted.
2- I regret the absence of one or two choice that would keep your work at the level of a narrative without elevating it to the level of a game. I'm not criticizing what has been done or your work, which remains commendable. We all have our own writing style, which may or may not appeal to everyone. That's the nature of art. However, a work without interaction can hardly be categorized as a game. Even though all roads lead to Rome, it is possible to choose your own path. Such is the nature of video games.
-One last detail: offering a paid work to understand part of the lore seems... complicated to me. https://dragonperson.itch.io/rin-in-time-immemorial . But I don't think it was done intentionally.
Please believe me when I say this, with all the goodwill I can muster given my limited English and the bluntness of French. Perhaps a second day wouldn't have been too much. But I'm not here to judge your time management. Just your work.
In any case, it's an enjoyable piece of work. And although not to my taste, it's nonetheless interesting.
Thank you for sharing your work with us. I had a pleasant little reading experience.
Thank you for being much more nicer than AxelKay. I wrote this story-game within an hour, so it is not polished at all. I wished that was understood ;u; it’s not like my usual work due to how fast it was written.
On the word usage, I read so many differing opinions online about how to describe the male parts. In my older work, I used member/shaft/length, but I read that people hate these words, so I settled for vulgarity unfortunately. That particular word (c*ck) seems to be okay with most people, but I will definitely go back to using those other words I used to use.
Also, thank you for the emphasis tips. My older work was more like this, but I let the opinions of others change how I write sex scenes. I will try to write more like my old self!
About the choices, I sadly only had an hour left to submit, so I was unable to make the other mood choices. In its current form it is similar to a kinetic visual novel (linear).
Lastly, about the paid work, the price is temporary because it is in a bundle. I think it was required to have a price to be in a bundle. Once the bundle finishes it will revert back to Name Your Own Price. This is also why I linked to the blog where the bulk of Rin’s important lore exists :3
I’m so sorry this work that I speedran is your first introduction to my stories 😖 in order to not overwhelm myself with struggling to find words, I had to make this as basic as possible while keeping some flowery language. I am also not good at prose English, so poetry is my stronger area to describe things. Poetry allows me to use other ways to describe things, rather than being straightforward like prose.
Thank you so much for finding it interesting despite it not being to your taste! :D
I am so happy you had a pleasant experience reading it!
I understand better now the reasons for the level of your writing. I really appreciate your response; I like it as much as it makes me think. I'd like to add one more thing.
Everything I said is just advice based on my point of view. It's in no way mandatory. If it resonates with you, great; if not, it can simply be disregarded.
It's the same for everyone's advice. If what you're told speaks to you, that's a good thing. If it helps you improve, that's a good thing. However, if it pushes you to change, that's not good. Above all, write the way you want. Everyone has their own style, and there's an audience for everyone to appreciate it. Neither Axel nor I have the right method. No one does. There are far too many factors that vary between two writers and two readers. Just look at the comments. As many people comment as appreciate your writing as it is.
Do what you like, how you like. You'll naturally attract those who admire your brilliance, rather than doing what others want and merely reflecting their aspirations.
I say this with all the best intentions.
Yay, dragons!
Really cute story, would love to read more about Rin or the others dragon if you ever update this game
Thank you for calling it cute 🥹 and thank you for wanting to read more! I do plan to update, but I joined several other jams to challenge myself to write. When this jam runs again I will definitely be back.
For now, there’s some free stories about Rin that I am uploading to the blog! Some notes and interviews with him have already been posted :D
I loooved the writing, whilst reading it I got really into character and actually got me a bit horny!
Im not the biggest fan of text-only games, but honestly this might’ve changed my mind, it was a fun read and can’t wait to see what the dev does in the future!
Also a win for malexmale which is not so common in jams like these :)
THANK YOOUUUUU 🥹🥹🥹 I am happy to know it evoked feelings too~ that’s one of the best goals of a writer. It means our words makes people feel something!
Thankies for looking forward to future projects! I want to add art to this one after the jam is over but I hope it doesn’t detract too much
and very true! I hardly ever see MLM content in jams like these, so I was glad to provide :3
"He uses his tail to gently rub on the sides between your legs" My inner thighs? The writing is ... bad. I am sorry. It is.
It is not all bad. The taste of grape jelly is a nice touch. That is the end of my praise. You forgot the other senses. What does he smell like? What does he feel like? Is his breath hot? When I grab his horns are they hard? Does he feel it? What does he sound like?
My game is unfinished and if it was finished it would not be great. Feel free to lambast me. I understand you had time constraints. That is not my problem. The writing is bad regardless of why. I am not trying to be a jackass. I know I am a jackass it comes naturally. I am going to include examples of how I think the writing could be improved. I could be wrong. I am trying to help. That sounds like I am blaming you. I am not. I am being a dick and that is not your fault.
"the tip of his tail wraps around the top of your cock
it moves up and down your length,
sending shivers to* your body." *Through. Up. Down.
The tip of his wet sticky tail constricts your cock squeezing from base to tip. He smiles kindly as his grip tightens. You can't help but squirm. "Too much?" he asks condescendingly. You shake your head. Speaking is out of the question.
His tail slithers up and down caressing your cock as it coats your twitching skin in a thin glossy slime.
Your body shivers so completely you see and feel ripples course through his tail.
"You bury your face fully into his belly
but your fingers do not quit
you slip one inside his hole
tilting it upward
causing a loud moan from Rin."
You bury your face in his big round belly getting his slime all over your skin. In your mouth. In your nose. Breathing is over rated compared to his embrace.
You easily slip a finger into his hole only for it to be smothered by incredible pressure. What you would not give to have your tongue deep inside him. Your finger moves easily despite the pressure you poke and prod every inch making him moan and growl with delight.
"As he sits back, you fall onto the bed."
Bed? We were on a chair two seconds ago.