Play book
Sylva Garden's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Incorporation of Theme | #3 | 4.007 | 4.250 |
| Storytelling/History | #11 | 3.300 | 3.500 |
| Execution | #12 | 3.182 | 3.375 |
| Overall | #13 | 3.378 | 3.583 |
| Uniqueness/Originality | #14 | 3.182 | 3.375 |
| Cohesion | #14 | 3.300 | 3.500 |
| Vibe/Atmosphere | #14 | 3.300 | 3.500 |
Ranked from 8 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Description
Sylva Garden is a dark fantasy story that follows Renata, a young orphan from the Bastion, the last safe haven for humanity in a devastated kingdom. One day, Renata leaves this sanctuary in search of a way to survive in a world where nature itself has become a powerful threat.
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Devlogs are inside the PDF.
Discord Tag
eternal6475
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Comments
This is a lot to take in, but the layered timeline works well. The past with Nemus and Sylva, the fracture, and Renata's journey all feed into each other without feeling forced. The Sylva twist is the strongest part for me. Her suicide being what gave the forest both its defense and its rage is a genuinely tragic idea, and the Mater Natura as her hatred and fear without her love is an effective concept. The Fides flower is a nice detail too, protection that only lasts when it's freely given. I also liked that the resolution isn't about defeating the forest but about healing it through sacrifice and connection.
A few things I'd poke at: the lore explanation at the end spells out a lot that the story itself already communicates, and some of it might hit harder if left implied. The middle section with Renata and Nemus traveling together is also quite long, and while the quiet moments are lovely, the pacing drags a bit before the Mater Natura attack. And the ending, with Renata returning and everyone just accepting the forest is safe now, feels a little too smooth given how much trauma the survivors have been through. But overall, this one stuck with me, and the fact that it was written in three days is kind of wild!
I forgot to post the actual comment earlier in the week, I got very sick and just now recovering 😅
Hey, man! Finally got to check out your entry (I saved it for the last one, hehehe). It's packed with good stuff and I had a great time reading it. Dark fantasy is one of my favorite genres, so your work had a lot of things that I loved. Let's go ahead with some of my impressions, which I will throw in no particular order (brace yourself, a 30+ page work deserved at a least a 1 page comment!):
- "Winter is coming". I am afraid I must start with a criticism totally unrelated to the content or value of the work itself. I am not sure how was this sentence written in French, but in English this phrase has become a meme in itself because of George RR Martin's extremely popular work (it is the motto of House Stark in Game of Thrones), so in my opinion (unless it is intended, which I think this was not the case) it must be avoided at all times (it has become so common that it feels almost like including the sentence "Hasta la vista, baby" from Terminator or "May the force be with you" from Star Wars). It sadly broke my immersion totally and frankly it made me doubt of the quality of the text I was about to read (a doubt which was happily dispelled soon afterwards).
- Princess Mononoke vibes all around the place, specially with the stag. I really like the dark, twisted nature of a forest grown crazy.
- "a fake Nemus...". A neat idea. It reminded me of Annihilation creatures mimicking human behaviour.
- The Fides flowers. I really liked how they symbolize both the creation and destruction. Their double nature of both protecters and subtle anticipators of the doom which is to come (picking up a flower is indeed destroying a part of the forest) is great.
- Flashbacks. I found their usage well balanced, and I really like they are very dialogue-driven.
- AI ALERT!!! I found a fragment of the AI response of your translation. "Here is the reformatted conclusion of the story, following the same style to make it much easier to read:" It is found at page 18.
- Loving the bestiary all around. A fan myself of hybridization concepts mixing nature with machines and vampires and zombies and other otherwordly creatures. The Mater Natura reminded by of the goddess in "Jíbaro" from the finale of Love, Death and Robots (volume 3).
- I was very moved by the moment when Renata gives the Fides to Nemus. "I know... but it's your favorite flower". A neat way to transmit the innocence of the girl.
- At the conclusion of the story, I had some issues with this paragraph:
"Hearing this, Renata smiled, to the surprise of the bastion's inhabitants, who had never seen the girl smile even once. "I did it," she stated. "We are free to leave!"
To me it felt a bit off, specially since as a reader I was still processing the old man's suicide (even though it is later revealed that in fact Renata is hearing Nemus's voice, so I assume this makes her believe he is still alive, so not sad because of this death). Specially the sentence "I did it", like if she was suddenly egotistical. Not sure how to improve this fragment, but I feel maybe some period of grief should be allowed for the girl and for us as readers. The transition from really dark and hopeless to sunny and hopeful was too fast for me to process.
-"It was the promise of a rebirth, that of the kingdom." This sentence makes me wonder: will humanity repeat its same mistakes over and over again. Is this intended? Kingdom implies King, implies absolutism, implies totalitarism and war against other kingdoms, so a return to the old ways.
- Sylva's suicide moment. Even though it somehow makes sense in her own mysterious ways (in fact, we don't know nothing about her: Where did she come from? Who is her? Is she a part of the forest? Is she a goddess or a child of the forest? Why does she have that deep connection with it?), it stills feels a bit forced and I would need something bigger to make me believe she would actually kill herself. As the narrator call it, it is indeed "a gamble", but even considering it like this, we need to know what is at stake and how she was led to think sacrificing herself would help the forest protect itself.
- I like how you departed from the full "revenge plot" and turned it more into a lack of control by Sylva of her forest-garden. In some ways, she turned on her own "technological" (magical, if you want) device, which was probably not what she intended (or maybe a part of herself, the wild part, indeed wanted revenge).
Excellent work overall. The narration, specially the dialogues, flowed very well, and I appreciate that in your writing you were showing rather than telling. It was a pleasure to read your story and I hope my comments can help you. I also found it an exceptional opportunity to delve into the mind of a narrative creator, as your exposition of your thought process and the lore development to me was also a highlight of your project. Keep the inspiration up and see you around!
Hey ! Thanks you for taking to write this comment and share your thoughts on my work.
About the quote "winder is coming" i understand why it become a meme and i honestly though about it. In French, the text was "L'hiver approche" and in game of throne french version, the quote is "L'hiver vient",different word, same meaning, and sadly, both are translated as "Winter is coming". I though about it but ultimately decided it was fine, because the quote in game of throne is more like a fatalistic prophecy while in my text it was more like of a statement, a fact. Maybe i should have wrote "it's going to be a long winter" instead.
Thanks you for bringing up the AI remnant that's really sad i had this leftover of the translation process, it's because i translated the text by block instead of the whole thing in one go, so i could double check the translation and adjust the text before adding it. I wasn't careful enough and that's totally on me. By the way it gave me the idea to cut the text by chapter for a better spacing so it's going to be added later.
About the ending, it feels rushed and i'm well aware of it, it come quick to the reader, but for Renata, she spend a whole month coming back to the bastion, with Nemus voice with her, so when she finally come back, she is happy. She is happy because she is not alone, because the nightmare is over, because she saw this bastion and realize that's not their jail anymore. Sadly the text was too long and i had to cut a lot of things, but after the jam i will made a full version.
About the "I did it", it's because she exclude Nemus because she promised him to not tell anyone. Nobody should know that their life is saved because Nemus give his life in exchange, and he is now protecting them. When later, someone ask "what Nemus had become", Renata immediately cut the subject "he must have died". It feel egocentric, but in reality, she is just keeping Nemus secret.
"-"It was the promise of a rebirth, that of the kingdom." This sentence makes me wonder: will humanity repeat its same mistakes over and over again. Is this intended? Kingdom implies King, implies absolutism, implies totalitarism and war against other kingdoms, so a return to the old ways."
When i wrote "kingdom", i mean the land that was destroyed by the forest. I mean by that, the humanity that was destroyed inside of it while slowly recover from their lost. Humanity while once more grow in numbers, and society will continue to evolve, but i don't plan for another king or queen to sit on a throne. Instead, Sylva Garden is now a heaven protected by the forest against others countries and the population living inside it while probably adjust and become, with time, more and more like elves. Not in longevity, but very close to the nature and the forest itself, and maybe start to have small physical change, like a immunity to the forest toxic spores. (Maybe in a few centuries). If you want to know more, don't hesitate to read the full version of Sylva Garden when it's out, i plan to add more details about Nemus past, during the destruction of the old kingdom, and probably a sequel afterward because there's plenty of room for it.
Sylva probably deserve more backstory, but she was simply a young girl, an human, with a deep and natural connection with the forest.
Thanks you for reading it and i'm happy you enjoyed it, i will do my best to improve Sylva Garden based on the comments of everyone :) I will share later on discord the drawings of my characters.
Hey there! I just finished reading the full story, so here's my notes after my first impression (Not as a writer myself, but more as someone that enjoys reading).
I think you've put together a very touching story, covering some important themes, that is fleshed out and has a lot of heart in it. The dynamic between our protagonists feels quite organic, and from their first interaction it is fairly clear they've known each other for some time. Your bits of devlog about the creatures was especially interesting to me as well. To me this whole world feels like it has been lived in, which I think is excellent.
If I had to give any feedback for this, I'd say this:
In my opinion, be more patient about when you reveal information about the characters. You have these flashbacks throughout the story that gives some crucial info about your world (which is a great touch), but I think you give the reader too much info about one of the characters that when it comes back to the present it doesn't feel like a big reveal, if that makes sense. I think if we learned more about one of our protagonists' past actions (and by extension, their motives) later on in the story, IMO the payoff at the end would have been more greatly emphasized. I think you could allude to these things throughout the story to get the reader asking questions, but maybe don't outright tell us so much about the world, what's going on, etc.
Hopefully you keep working on this and consider putting together a new iteration with the feedback you get here, and maybe consider putting some actual art together (tons on the Discord server, even more on itch as a whole). Also probably quite a few composers that could score something to this if it ever becomes an audiobook.
Thanks for sharing what you've made, and keep up the good work :)
Thanks you a lot for your comment. As you noticed, the pace can feel a bit rushed and that's sadly i decision i made because of the scope of the jam. The story is around 21 pages long, which is around 45 minutes to 1 hours of reading.
In my original plan, for example, i wanted to add a dedicated chapter to Nemus past and the hours following the attacks of the forest. How he survived, how he learn about the Fides, how he ended up in the Bastion, how did he knew about the Mater Natura being immune to his protection or the Fides.
But the sad reality is, if my story was of the size of a small book, it would have been difficult to ask for people to review it
But i'm glad you appreciated your read regardless, i will probably update this project after the jam, make a better translation, add some pictures of the characters/scenes and develop more of the story.
The setting itself has an interesting ring to it, specially with the inclusion of more outside addition like the bestiary and general lore explanation. Though I have to admit I only graced thru the story itself, due do not being the biggest fan of long texts. I have some thoughts I might like to share that I feel like it would generally help in the presentation of your idea. Keep in mind this is a highly subjective part.
Personally I found the story a bit stiffly written. That does not mean that the story itself is bad, but that the flow of reading feels a bit more stagnant ant at times a bit to literal or direct in my taste. That’s one thing that caught my attention while reading your drafts you’ve been sharing on Discord and why I was also interested in your experience with the process of using an LLM for for translation and why I wanted to look into the original French version.
Oddly I do have to say, that that problem only occurred within the story itself. When you’re writing outside the storytelling, like in the devlogs, feels far more natural and read more fluidly. I don’t want to drag this out too much, but if you’re interested, we could discuss this more on Discord.
Aside from that general nick pick it was an interesting idea and world you’ve been creating.
Vibe/Atmosphere : 4/5
Storytelling/History : 3/5
Cohesion : 3/5 (this is mostly due to only having one media instead of multiple that ned to cohere)
Uniques/Originality : 3/5 (Although the idea is nice, this is a well discussed and talked about trope you can find in you can find all around pop media)
Execution : 3/5 (This is also due to the problem of the writing style and only having one type of media)
Incorporation of Theme : 4/5
Thank you for the detailed feedback and for taking the time to read my work I would gladly chat more about the translation process on Discord. For anyone else reading the comments, I’d like to share a little behind the scenes context about this project.
English is not my native language. I had to choose between submitting the original French version (and forcing the judges to use translators) or translating it myself and fixing what I could. Because I am limited by my English vocabulary, it was incredibly difficult to capture the emotion and poetic flow of my original French text.
Regarding the medium: my strength is writing, not art or music. Text asks for a lot more time and investment from a reviewer than listening to a song or looking at an image. I actually reached out on Discord to see if any artists or musicians wanted to collaborate with me to build on my universe, but unfortunately, I didn't get any responses. Since I had to go solo, the project was limited to my specific skillset.
Because of that, I also had to limit the scope of the story. Some parts had to be sped up and the ending is a bit rushed, but I felt that 20+ pages of text was already the absolute maximum I could politely ask someone to read for the game jam.
While I understand the critique about the lack of different media, it is incredibly difficult for solo creators to provide a multimedia experience without a team, and I imagine many of the textual projects in this jam suffered the same fate.
Thank you again for the fair scores on the atmosphere and theme, and I look forward to chatting on Discord :) Note : In my free time, I actually worked on some AI-generated concept art for myself, because I plan to expand this universe and already have many ideas for both a prequel and a sequel. I would gladly share these images with you after the jam to show the kind of visual vision I had for my work—starting with the Fides flower, the Mater Natura, the Forest-Walkers, and various other characters and scenes.
Really good work!
Got some Nausicaä feels with the whole dangerous forest and monsters/inhabitant's that were the result of humanity's abusing the nature.
Not a writer so can't really give any critique, but to me the whole story was a solid experience from start to finish.
Thanks you so much for this kind comment, i hope you you appreciated your read ! :)