itch.io

You've created a very evocative scene here. It gives very strong old fairy tale vibes. 

That being said, I am unsure of the plot. I thought it was headed towards locating the children, but then the adventure never touches on where the children are. 

The text on the second page is out of alignment with the picture opposite it. If you lowered it a bit, I think it woudl benefit your layout. 

I love your cover!

I love the diversity of plot hooks that allow the PCs to enter the adventure in many different ways. It feels like this would make the adventure replayable

The gray text box is awkward to read the way it's spread. On paper, it makes sense, but in a digital format, it feels clunky and awkward. If you were going to release this or expand on it elsewhere, I would consider a digital friendly edition. 

Your art is fun. It reminds me a bit of the Grimtooth's Traps art. 

You've got a great concept on your hands here. There is a very compelling choice here, and I love the dual nature of Perth/Yerglae.

Your writing has quite a few typos and would benefit from a solid proofread. 

The artwork you have is phenomenal. Did you draw/commission it, or did you find it?

I think the table could benefit from a header row that explains one half is the murals, and the other half is the meaning of those murals. 

Overall, nice job! I will probably run this at some point. 

Overall, I love this location. I will likely use this at my table. You've got some great ideas.

You mention arcane residue a lot, but I seem not to be able to find what it does, which is a problem when the painting defends itself by shooting arcane residue and the oozes collapse into it. 

As others have mentioned, your layout could use some small adjustments. You have a lot of awkward white space which could have been filled by adjusting the text or adding small pieces of art. 

I think your creatures are very evocative, and with your descriptions, I think many GMs could adapt them to a system of their choice. 

I absolutely love your layout. It's quite elegant. 

Your writing is to the point and conveys enough important information while allowing room for a GM to customize for their own setting. 

My main concern is that there is not much incentive for the PCs to go to the cave where they would stumble upon the prophecy. That being said, a savvy GM could either give the PCs a reason to go that way during the adventure, or subsequent plot hooks in montess could get the PCs to enter the cave. 

Overall, well done!

thanks!

Your aesthetic is overall fantastic! I love your intro to the adventure. Your layout is crisp and clean. No Notes. 

I am a fan of adventures where combat is not the answer, making it known that the blades cannot be defeated is a fun take. 

It looks like all of your community copies are gone. 😔 I would love to rate this if you could pass along a community copy!

You did a good job of making this adventure feel old school. 

I like the premise. Using a storm to keep the adventurers contained is a good idea.

I'm assuming you are using Dungeons and Dragons based on the references to the monster manual and some of your terminology, but I don't see it written anywhere. You may want to do this so that GMs know what system they should prep.

You mention that the citadel is evacuated, yet there are quite a few people here. 

Why do the PCs need to do their job discreetly? What happens if they are caught as outsiders? If they were hired by the king, why would the guards care?

What happens at midnight? Do the wizards finish the ritual? What happens if the PCs fail to stop the ritual?

The layout is nicely done. You've done a great job at separating information into clearly delineated blocks. 

You mention that this adventure is for level 1 or 2 characters, but for what system? The capabilities of level 1 creatures are very different between rule sets. 

You hit the theme really well, not sure what's weirder than being burped up by a giant space fish. 

You've done a great job to flesh out the town, but I feel like the narrative is unclear. If I was going to run this, I would need to do some leg work to develop the cult's motives and what they are doing. Your text is a nice size, pretty easy to read. 

This sounds cool. Is there a chance you have community copies for the Jam Rating Period?

Your opening text does a great job at setting the mood, but I feel that there were a couple of awkward turns of phrase as I read it. 

I know MORK BORG and its related games are pretty bare bones, but I find this adventure a little too bare bones even for MORK BORG. 

The map is beautifully done in the MORK BORG style. I think you nailed the atmosphere of the theme!

This is a nice dungeon easily dropped into any campaign. You give some great scenarios. You leave a lot of blank space on the second page. These spaces could have been filled with some public domain artwork. I love the point crawl style map! As a GM, I think you nailed the right balance of answers vs. flexibility. 

I think what you have is great! However, as others have said, I would have liked to see more information for the GM. Your cover is beautiful, but if you removed it, you would have another entire page to give space for the GM to more easily run this adventure. 

Thanks, you have some really good feedback.

Honestly, a lot of these needed adjustments are tied to me learning affinity as I went. I did consider color, but I was trying to lean into the style of some older D&D books where it is mostly black-and-white/line art. 

Love this! It's overall really well designed. I would have preferred the adventure background to be inside the pamphlet rather than on the back, and there are a few awkward phrases here and there, but overall, nice work. 

thanks for the feedback, this was my first time using affinity, so I haven’t quite mastered the settings I need to make it for exporting. 

I love your writing. This adventure is very compelling. This is a minor nitpick, but It would be interesting if you labeled whether each of the rumors was true or false. The lack of page numbers made the reading order difficult to discern at first. 

Your art style is a lot of fun, but your headings, especially on pages 3 and 4, are quite difficult to read. Using the tides to change locations is a very novel idea. I love it!

Affinity 3. Everything you need to know can be found with the power of google. I am also new to layout and design, so if I can do it, so can you!

I don’t know about other people, but I understood that the idol was supposed to lose its power if it was moved.

You nailed the old school aesthetic. I absolutely adore the premise; a castle falling backwards in time, *chef's kiss*. This is going in my next campaign. 

The font is pretty small. I had to zoom to 200% to comfortably read it. Mentioning that an NPC can be hired as a porter feels very old school. The salt and slugs feel very fun. 

Nice to meet somebody else who uses magic to move consciousnesses around. 

Fantastic background info. It feels very grounded in mythology. I like that you included the Chinese zodiac in case readers are not familiar. The success criteria feel very difficult to achieve. 

Some very fun encounters. I loved how you tried to sneak Crocus-diles and orc-hids by us. Great puns. I may very well steal the toolmaking totem for my home game. Overall, a great entry. 

Absolutely fantastic design. It legitimately looks like a scan of an old TTRPG book. 

Unique character creation mechanics. Wish there was a little more "meat" to the adventure. 

I love the premise and immediate twist to the adventure. 

I think you have something cool here. You've designed this in such a way that it's supposed to be a booklet, but your intro and hooks would be on the back cover. You've got a bunch of really cool stuff here, but the font has made it very difficult to read. 

Love the cyberpunk approach to this entry. 

I like that you have presented multiple ways to frame and run this adventure. 

The Cover and map are awesome. Your pages of text are a dramatically different size from your cover and map when I view them in my PDF viewer.  This isn't a problem on a computer cause I can zoom in, but may be a problem when printed? If you are going to encourage wandering monsters, you may want to provide a table of wandering mosters that fits the theme.  I really like the fact that you offer ways to avoid combat encounters. 

I love the overall premise. Your layout is good, and I liked you way of calling out GM only information. I don't think your clues actually point to the PCs in the direction you want them to go. 

I love the more modern feel of this adventure.  I love that you don't provide a specific setting, but one the GM wants to choose. I have seen several RPGs recently say something like "set this in a city you are familiar with", so I could definitely see setting it in my hometown or something.

Thanks! It really just came to me. The name was so evocative. 

Thanks for the feedback. It is not numenera; this is my own custom setting that I am writing for the cypher system.  Thanks for the feedback on the paragraphs. I will consider that. 

As someone who has spent a lot of time looking at mythology, I always loved the stories of deals with death, games to avoid death, and other such concepts. I think you put a really fun spin on that trope here.